Executive summary
Personal reflection questions
Common doubts and fears
Readings and some questions (and thoughts)
Genesis 1:26-28 / Genesis 2:18-23 / Genesis 2:24-25 / Genesis 3:1-10 / Genesis 3:17-19
God’s not afraid to be sexual
Various aspects of sex
Roots of negative views of sex
Consider female sexuality
Some practical applications
For married and soon-to-be married men / For unmarried men
Personal reflection questions:
- Think about key moments of your own discovery journey of yourself as a sexual being: eg when did you first experience yourself as sexual? – as well as other subsequent sexual key moments?
- What feelings have you had about your own personal sexual history and self?
- What does God think of your sexual self?
- What does it mean if we rarely meet God’s sexual ideals?
Common doubts and fears
From my experience of working with other males (as a friend, youth mentor, pastoral coach, minister and psychologist), I continually hear men say…
Asking questions and wanting assurances about:
- How can I feel man enough in myself & for others?
- Will my body or I be good enough for my partner?
- Can I truly be loved if the other knows all about what I’ve done or fantasised about?
Feeling about themselves:
- I am and always fear I’ll be a failure as I fail and keep failing.
- I am not good enough for myself, others, God and to do God’s work.
- I am unlovable to all including God.
Readings and some questions (and thoughts):
Genesis 1:26-28
What gender is God?
Male and female are from the image of God – both (equal?) reflections of God.
Who wrote the passage and who were the main audience of the time?
Moses (or male teachers of the Mosaic tradition) who wrote/taught a cis heterosexual male Jewish audience. Even today orthodox Jewish synagogues segregate the males (above 13yo) and direct the teachings at them. If we keep talking to the same audience, we take shortcuts and choose to say things targeted at them, and unintentionally neglect the perspectives and implications of others we are not teaching to. Therefore after saying God is equally male and female, the male author(s) of the Bible teaching male students focus on predominantly the male aspects of God. Despite some modern writers/preachers wanting to just say God is masculine – God and the Biblical heroes of the faith throughout the Bible display qualities of both masculine and femininity (eg when rating personal characteristics descriptions as either masculine or feminine, most of the Fruits of the Spirit [Gal 5:22-23] gets relegated to ‘feminine’).
What does this passage have to say about sex?
God blesses all aspects of sex as God intended it – and possibly have lots of it to ensure there is lots of ‘fruitfulness’.
Genesis 2:18-23
What does it mean for Eve to be Adam’s helper?
It was not Eve who was lonely, unable to manage and needed help. Instead, it was Adam who could not manage alone. Eve was then created as an ‘ezera [feminine of ezer]. The Hebrew word ‘ezer is often used for God when God comes to help or save Israel. . . . The word ‘ezer does not refer to a lowly assistant but to a powerful figure who comes to help/save someone who is in trouble. . . . Women, as descendants of Eve, are placed by God in the human scene as the strong who come to help/save the needy (the men).
[Bailey, K. 2011. Paul Through Mediterranean Eyes: Cultural Studies in 1 Corinthians, Downers Grove, IL: IVP Academic, p.310.
Genesis 2:24-25
What does this passage say about how naked males and females should feel about themselves?
(Choose your own word for feeling great), but definitely not inadequacy, shame or fear.
What does this say about how naked males and females should feel about each other?
(Choose your own word for feeling great or appreciation or awe), but definitely not disappointment, shame or fear.
Genesis 3:1-10
Who was involved with changing this?
Serpent… often written about as Satan, the Deceiver.
What does Genesis 3:8-9 imply about God’s usual appearance prior to Chapter 3?
Humans were physically made in the image of God … God is described here as regularly walking alongside with Adam and Eve… presumably in human form (or in God’s own image)… without clothes… as Adam and Eve have no concept of clothes prior to Gen 3:21.
Genesis 3:17-19
Are these passages talking about God’s ultimate goal for relationships or was it a curse/punishment/consequence?
If this was a fractured/broken vision of how the genders should be, will God ever want to redeem this?
God’s not afraid to be sexual
Regarding circumcision, why did God chose to mark the people God chose on what males generally regard as the most sexual part about ourselves?
Doesn’t it seem to indicate that God wants Jewish males to be particularly proud of their penis, whatever size or shape it is? To be reminded that God is present and chosen them to be God’s representative in the world… and in everything, they do with it… a marker, if needed, to show to another male their identity in God. With it, God wanted men to be continually reminded every time they saw their own penis (eg the multiple times throughout the day we have to pee, etc) that they are God’s chosen to carry out God’s mission in the world.
Other sexual references (by no means not exhaustive):
Bridegroom/bride chamber references (eg Psalm 19:4-6; Joel 2:16; Jeremiah 7:34; Jeremiah 16:9; Jeremiah 25:10; Revelation 18:23). An old Jewish wedding tradition was for the bride and bridegroom to be left alone for 10-20 minutes directly after the wedding ceremony to consummated their marriage (i.e. sexual intercourse) in a room/chamber with the whole community near or around that chamber waiting, knowing what was occurring, and then celebrating the couple with them after the act had been verified by the groom’s father (ie inspection on the sheets for blood to confirm that sex had occurred).
Israel is described as God’s lover and wife (eg Ezekiel 16:8; Jeremiah 3:14) – who was often explicitly sexually unfaithful (eg Ezekiel 16:15-34; Jeremiah 3:1-3; 31:32; Hosea 2:2-5).
The church is described as the bride of Christ with the marriage to be consummated at the marriage supper of the Lamb (eg 2 Corinthians 11:2; Ephesians 5:25-27; Revelation 19:7-9).
And of course, Song of Songs refreshingly is a positive sexual celebration of both male and female sexuality, desires, and bodies from both male and female perspectives. Songs is the only book, where most of the book has the female voice describing her own experience (though it still fails the Bechdel test – whether a piece of media has at least one scene of two or more female characters that talk about anything at all that don’t have to do with another male character. Btw only 6 books of the bible pass the Bechdel test).
Of course in Old Testament times sexual standards were different – with God’s chosen men having multiple wives, and males having sex with prostitutes seemingly not socially abhorrent (eg Judah is not publicly punished/rebuked for sleeping with someone he thought was a prostitute Genesis 38:26 whereas a ‘good woman’ was going to be killed because she became a prostitute and got pregnant). Even in the New Testament (John 8:3), only the woman “caught in adultery” was brought for execution/judgment.
Like all other life experiences, God wants all our sexual experiences to feel good: before, during and after.
Various aspects of sex:
More than what we do to each other’s bodies, sex involves and is affected by so many other aspects:
The WHO definition of sexual health similarly captures the multiple dimensions of sex:
“…a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence. For sexual health to be attained and maintained, the sexual rights of all persons must be respected, protected and fulfilled.” (WHO, 2006a)
Godly sexuality is more than about self-control or self-denial. God made us and wants to richly bless us in every aspect of who we are, including all aspects of our body, our identity, how we relate with others and the all the different pleasures we get out of that.
As previously said, most Christian males feel guilt, shame, or a sense of needing to compartmentalise or turn off their sexual selves.
Roots of negative Christian views of sex
Modern Christianity seeing sex from guilt, fear, and cutting off comes from the early fathers of western Christianity: Augustine, Tertullian and Origen who were impacted by their surrounding cultural philosophies of Greek duality (spirit is good / body & flesh is bad) and their own poor experiences with managing their own sexual urges (Origen was famous for self-castrating himself to manage his sexual urges). Augustine thought the only purpose/or help women could provide to men was just creating babies. In general, the early Fathers saw women, like Eve and Bathsheba as distractions/dangers to their spirituality. They elevated celibacy as the spiritual ideal (hence that imposed requirement for all spiritual leaders – eg priests and nuns) – though there are some financial considerations that influenced the church to prohibit priests from marrying too.
This saw all the different parts of our life like slices of a pie chart – with sexuality being a distinct pie slice that could be separated from every other aspect and ignored/removed completely.
In contrast, the holistic Jewish perspective didn’t separate body from soul. Continuing the analogy that all aspects of our lives as a pie, the holistic view sees sexuality like the sugar in a pie – infused throughout the whole pie – entwined in and impacting all areas of our life. Our sexuality impacts our whole identity, our confidence, hopes and dreams, our friendships and relationships, and our mission in life.
Interestingly enough, lots of other cultures don’t have the same hang-ups about sex like western British, American and Australian Christianity. European nations that have had an older history of Christianity like Germany and Switzerland are much more open about sex as well as don’t always associate nakedness with sex – as evidence with European movies known for containing more explicit nudity (of both sexes) and sex than American movies. The German Martin Luther is credited for redeeming the spiritual value of marriage and women as partners in mission.
However, so much of the Early Fathers non-holistic views of sex continues to persist in modern Christianity. Churches often are either silent or sometimes even unhelpful about most areas of sex and sexuality – except to promote switching off our sexuality until we get married and even then limiting most specific details about sex to discussions in married small groups or courses.
Being right with God doesn’t mean having no sexual feelings or desires. All followers of God know what it is like to want sexual gratification – feeling sexual doesn’t make you less of a person or a Christian… it just makes you a reflection of God’s image.
If we think again about the feelings associated with most modern Christianity approach to our personal sexual life:
- I am and always fear I’ll be a failure as I fail and keep failing.
- I am not good enough for myself, others, God and to do God’s work.
- I am unlovable to all including God.
These negative self-thoughts are more aligned to how the serpent/the deceiver wants Gods people to feel about themselves than what a loving Father/parent would want their children to feel about themselves.
There are two types of guilt:
- Healthy guilt that helps you approach God and others and restore relationships, and restoring your confidence and self-worth to contribute productively to others and your role in God’s mission in the world.
- Unhealthy guilt that leads you to avoid others and God, that focuses you on your inadequacies and hinders your self of what you can contribute to others and your role in God’s mission in the world.
God wants us to be free of guilt, especially unhealthy guilt. Sure, God wants us to repent of any sin we commit, but God doesn’t want us to focus on being unworthy and wrong. Instead, God wants us to focus and be active in our role in God’s mission in the world – fully engaged, enjoying and celebrating the life we have – in all its aspects including our sexuality.
As with repenting in all other aspects of your life with God, it is not so much about what you have done, but always more about how you choose to live your life from this point onwards.
Consider female sexuality
In this study we have focused on male sexuality… as partners it’s helpful to also consider what our partners have been raised with about their own sexuality too. Hopefully, you get a clear sense that Christianity has a long history of framing women’s sexuality as inherently more problematic/wrong than male sexuality – that they should fearful of it and see it as bad. Even in marriage, their main role is often taught to be subservient and serving to the desires of their male partners. But as married women, they are still potentially the downfall of good strong Christian men who aren’t their partners (see Billy Graham rule for men never to be alone with a woman) – that being alone with another man will make him lose a lifelong discipline of self-control and sexual purity. This is of course in addition to all the pressures society places on women – causing them to have greater insecurities about their appearance and body image, self-confidence, aspirations, etc. Not to mention the significant probability and reality of past, present and future sexual harassment, sexual abuse and general undermining in all areas of their lives.
Women too have questions and wanting assurances about:
- How can I feel woman enough in myself & for others?
- Will my body or I be good enough for my partner?
- Can I truly be loved if the other knows all about what I’ve done or fantasise about?
Feeling about themselves:
- I am and always fear I’ll be inadequate/incomplete/lacking in worth.
- I am not good enough for myself, others, God and to do God’s work.
- I am unlovable to all including God.
And with the probabilities… how can I feel ok with myself after the sexual discomfort and attention I’ve received from others, the forced sexual situations I’ve been in, and the line I have to walk to feel sexually expressive without being judged as too sexually wrong?
Some practical applications
For married and soon-to-be married men:
- Improve your own beliefs and experiences of your sexuality – pursue experiences to be comfortable of your body (whatever shape/size it is), your physicality and being male (without restricting what that means to contemporary ideas of macho-ness).
- See sexual desires, like other desires, as indications of what God hopes for you – greater connection with others on an intimate level (Greek word for lust, epithymia, is about general desire, not thinking sexual thoughts – eg Luke 22:15)
- Recognising the need for improving your beliefs and attitudes about your own sexuality to be more confident and enjoy more of what God intends for you in all areas of sexuality, consider how you can not only be aware of how much more negative she has probably been raised/influenced to regard all aspects of her own sexuality.
- Recognise that she may have had one or more incidents where her sexuality has been negatively impacted/experienced by others against her actions/wishes.
- Look for opportunities to grow her comfort, confidence in her own body and sexual experiences and desires.
- Don’t see women as a mysterious ‘other’ – understand more the life perspective/experiences of women.
- See her as God’s helper to you – for strength, wisdom, correction, comfort, confidence, etc at times. She can reflect all the traditional traits of the masculine and feminine because she too is made in the image of God – not just half of God. See God fully in her – not just traditional stereotypes – after all, we hope to see God fully realised/reflected in ourselves as males.
For unmarried men, see your singleness as opportunity to:
- Improve your own beliefs and experiences of your sexuality – pursue experiences to be comfortable of your body (whatever shape/size it is), your physicality and being male (without restricting what that means to contemporary ideas of macho-ness).
- See sexual desires, like other desires, as indications of what God hopes for you – greater connection with others on an intimate level (Greek word for lust, epithymia, is about general desire, not thinking sexual thoughts – eg Luke 22:15)
- Invest and support the lives of others especially those married and those with families. Married people won’t always feel the freedom to be able to connect socially and relate deeply as they did when they were single. Be flexible to meet their schedules. If you are interested in having kids, spend time with your friends’ children – practice the skills that will make you a great father.
- Don’t see women as a mysterious ‘other’ – understand more the life perspective/experiences of women, invest in friendships with women, etc. See God fully in women – not just traditional stereotypes – after all, we hope to see God fully realised/reflected in ourselves as males.
Extension reading:
A tale of dirt & life – A Chua retelling of the creation of humans
Bolz-Weber, N. (2019). Shameless: A Sexual Reformation. Convergent Books.
Frost, M. (1996). Longing for Love: Gender, Sexuality and Our Experience of God. Albatross Books Pty Ltd.
Hirsch, D. (2015). Redeeming Sex: Naked Conversations About Sexuality and Spirituality. Forge Partnership Books.